both a beginning and an end

Two nights ago i was in a deep meditation 

a vacation from reality

in a state of vibrational movement and clarity

I had the ambient new age station on pandora playing in the background

to cover the sound of my roomates video game where all I hear is gunshots, chaos, and curse words.

Peace, at last.

Probably one of the deepest meditations I've experience thus far…

Conscious of my breath, disconnected from my body

I was shaken by what happened next

I guess it would be called an "audio trailer"

it was for the movie battle LA

It spoke to me...

Here I am, in a state where not even my own thoughts exist

and this ad came on so abnormally loud saying something along the lines of

"69 years ago in los angeles 948204982 people died …" bla bla bla. people screaming, the sound of chaos and pain and the disturbing sound of gunshots I was trying to drown out by beautiful music in the first place. 

Call me crazy, I don't really care anymore. Because I feel that I'm so sensitive to all forms of energy that I have the right to and should start writing down my experiences. If it helps someone or awakens them, Great. But I am doing this for myself. 

Who the fuck decided it would be a good idea to put such a disturbing ad for that movie on the ambient new age station? It's very hard for me to convey my opinions and feelings on this because I run the risk of sounding "crazy" but I'm trying my hardest…

at the very end of the advertisement, which lasted only like 15 seconds it said something along the lines of "take this as a sign, and tell all of your friends."

The peace inside of me was punctured and anxiety, fear, and confusion begun to flow through me. 

I just went to the same station to see if they always play the same advertisement, and they don't. So I guess the ads are just randomly played and I was meant to experience that one at that moment. I'll never forget the feeling. My peace was so much disturbed by something I believe is due. Affirmation set in.

When I tried to go back into my conscious state and calm myself my thoughts wouldn't stop racing. When I closed my eyes and focused on my breath all I could think of was a doomsday type of scenario. I think something bad is going to happen. More so along the lines of natural disasters like earthquakes, tsunamis, who knows…. It's scary to think about. Traffic here is bad enough and I know it would be nearly impossible to evacuate the city. The word chaos keeps coming to mind.

Being so sensitive to energy around me I would often give in to the chaos and BECOME the chaos. But I'm learning that acceptance and consciousness fill the dark spot where chaos lurks within. 

Even before I moved to California I had dreams about specific places here. I know I'm meant to be here for a reason. Obviously, everything happens for a reason. 

I've had dreams of what felt like the end of times, there was so much darkness and everyone was  frantic, but I was always accepting,very sad but accepting. 

Because this life is all we've got. I do believe in some form of afterlife but what saddens me the most is that I wont remember THIS LIFE. Because I really do love this life so much and I have such an attachment to my body, my bedroom, my friends, and my world.

I used to get so angry when people would tell me to breathe, but now I get it…

I'm thankful, and hopeful.

Off to Yoga<3

Peace be with you, whoever you are.

"If I ever leave this world alive"

I've been listening to this song a lot the past week or so. Flogging molly is my dads favorite band. I love you Dad, and I miss you...