chain reaction

"maybe if i spray wd 40 on my heart, the doors will open without noise"

 the sound of distractions flood the crowded streets of the city in my mind

I've lost nearly all concept of time

Days turn to months and months turn to years

I close my eyes and I'm face to face with my fears

Am I a facade, or just so lost in my head

I follow my heart and look where I've been led

to a land full of of machines

eager to be fed

where a man almost convinced me

that we are already dead

"it's all for you!" He told me with truth in his eyes

in the heart of a city, that's just living a lie

But I won't live a lie, I'd rather die.

they come in 3's

Godspeed.

A term I have been seeing and hearing in the past couple of days. I was driving and I saw it graffitied on the back of a pickup truck, and it got my wheels turning. Pretty much everything creates a spark in my brain, my heart, my soul. I live my life through signs and symbolism. Things happen so synchronistically, it trips me out. I feel such a pull from something so deep within. It's like knowing the unknown. Words can't describe it because it is unknown. I'm being guided. I have blossomed. I have to say that the breakthrough I experienced was painful. Not just the kind of pain that resonates deep deep inside, but physically… in my throat, my head, and my heart. For days I felt like I was going to purge. I had no appetite. I had an extreme sense of self-awareness. I was almost in a dreamlike state. I began seeing others in a different light and feeling very sensitive and vulnerable towards anyone I laid eyes on. I remember one day I was at a traffic light by the santa monica pier and I was listening to Blood red summer by Coheed and Cambria and the words "what did I do to deserve" were being sung repetitively. My eyes wandered to the sidewalk where I saw a crippled man trying to make it through a crowd. He was an attractive very nicely dressed young black male. He looked completely normal, but he could hardly lift his own feet off the ground to take a step. "What did I do to deserve, what did I do to deserve?" For a brief moment, I was that man. I felt his pain, his embarrassment, his frustration. On the brink of tears, I started realizing how fortunate i am to be in the body that I'm in. I sent him my love. And that's that.

Godspeed.

Everyone should make just a small effort to be nice to people. We are all the same. Just living our lives. So instead of talking on your bluetooth or texting while you're waiting in line at the friendly neighborhood Starbucks, ask someone how their day is going. Smile at somebody, or just breathe and take in your surroundings. Be aware. You'll be surprised who you'll meet, what you'll learn, and how you'll feel. I'm the kind of girl who will go up and talk to ANYBODY. I don't keep tabs on my cell phone constantly, because I'd rather communicate and connect directly with the people around me in the present moment and handle phone calls and text messages when I'm alone in my car or at home.  You never know what you could be missing out on…Technology is beginning to replace the realness of it all. Sure all of your little games and trendy iphone apps are cool and fun and all, but unglue your eyes from your fancy screen for 5 minutes and take a look around.There's nothing that turns me off more than hanging out with someone who is constantly texting or making phone calls. It's just rude, if you ask me. Be in the present, appreciate the people around you, wake up and smell the mother fucking roses. 

Everybody dies but not everybody lives

Read this or don't.

But you should!

http://adishakti.org/age_of_aquarius.htm

Pretty much.

Everything is a cycle. Our lives, habits, routines, thoughts.

When Things are good, they are great. When things are bad, they're not so bad...


I just want to find what I've been looking for. My whole life I've never really known what it is that I'm seeking. But I know that it is on a higher plane. I don't know if anyone or everyone else feels the push. But I do... and I try so very hard to understand where it comes from, I'll just let it happen.

I CHOOSE

I choose to be present
I choose to speak truth
I choose to love
I choose to follow my dreams

I'm sick of being held back by myself.

I choose to LET GO.


Journey of the spirit.

This is beautiful

Birdie, please.

I told him I've lost hope in myself

and that my dreams were all in vain

life is a cycle

which has brought me here today

"did you get your wings clipped, birdie?"

he asked me through a text

it feels as though thats the case

I'm afraid of what comes next

every morning when I wake up in my bed

with a longing for something more

i know its all inside of me

I've just got to open that door

I fear whats on the other side

failure, disappointment, or truth

so the door remains closed

I figure, what's the use?

my worn out wings 

need a rest from my last flight

noone clipped them but myself

I don't want to fly for a little while

my last fall has put me in poor health

afraid ill never fly again

even when my wings grow back

where a rainbow used to paint my sky

now all i see is black

what's a birdie without its wings

muffled is the song she sings

hold tight little birdie

I see you soaring high

a pattern never lies

and a spirit never dies

build strength in the stillness

while you're waiting for growth

leave your doubts and limitations

behind you in a cloud of smoke

sing yourself to sleep

when theres noone else around

you've gone as low as you can go this time

please,pick yourself up off the ground

You'll fly even higher, once you've gathered enough strength.
Be patient, but persistent. 

Thank you Ert, for inspiration and kind words. It means more than I can say...

<3

heal and ascend

Oh the irony: "Leave your doubts and limitations" My own words, made to stand out to me... I didn't make those words bigger or space them out like that on purpose. I clicked post and it came up like that in the preview. It's funny how you really do get the signs your looking for if you are just AWARE.




So today, I will leave my doubts and limitations in a cloud of smoke.
see what happens...

both a beginning and an end

Two nights ago i was in a deep meditation 

a vacation from reality

in a state of vibrational movement and clarity

I had the ambient new age station on pandora playing in the background

to cover the sound of my roomates video game where all I hear is gunshots, chaos, and curse words.

Peace, at last.

Probably one of the deepest meditations I've experience thus far…

Conscious of my breath, disconnected from my body

I was shaken by what happened next

I guess it would be called an "audio trailer"

it was for the movie battle LA

It spoke to me...

Here I am, in a state where not even my own thoughts exist

and this ad came on so abnormally loud saying something along the lines of

"69 years ago in los angeles 948204982 people died …" bla bla bla. people screaming, the sound of chaos and pain and the disturbing sound of gunshots I was trying to drown out by beautiful music in the first place. 

Call me crazy, I don't really care anymore. Because I feel that I'm so sensitive to all forms of energy that I have the right to and should start writing down my experiences. If it helps someone or awakens them, Great. But I am doing this for myself. 

Who the fuck decided it would be a good idea to put such a disturbing ad for that movie on the ambient new age station? It's very hard for me to convey my opinions and feelings on this because I run the risk of sounding "crazy" but I'm trying my hardest…

at the very end of the advertisement, which lasted only like 15 seconds it said something along the lines of "take this as a sign, and tell all of your friends."

The peace inside of me was punctured and anxiety, fear, and confusion begun to flow through me. 

I just went to the same station to see if they always play the same advertisement, and they don't. So I guess the ads are just randomly played and I was meant to experience that one at that moment. I'll never forget the feeling. My peace was so much disturbed by something I believe is due. Affirmation set in.

When I tried to go back into my conscious state and calm myself my thoughts wouldn't stop racing. When I closed my eyes and focused on my breath all I could think of was a doomsday type of scenario. I think something bad is going to happen. More so along the lines of natural disasters like earthquakes, tsunamis, who knows…. It's scary to think about. Traffic here is bad enough and I know it would be nearly impossible to evacuate the city. The word chaos keeps coming to mind.

Being so sensitive to energy around me I would often give in to the chaos and BECOME the chaos. But I'm learning that acceptance and consciousness fill the dark spot where chaos lurks within. 

Even before I moved to California I had dreams about specific places here. I know I'm meant to be here for a reason. Obviously, everything happens for a reason. 

I've had dreams of what felt like the end of times, there was so much darkness and everyone was  frantic, but I was always accepting,very sad but accepting. 

Because this life is all we've got. I do believe in some form of afterlife but what saddens me the most is that I wont remember THIS LIFE. Because I really do love this life so much and I have such an attachment to my body, my bedroom, my friends, and my world.

I used to get so angry when people would tell me to breathe, but now I get it…

I'm thankful, and hopeful.

Off to Yoga<3

Peace be with you, whoever you are.

"If I ever leave this world alive"

I've been listening to this song a lot the past week or so. Flogging molly is my dads favorite band. I love you Dad, and I miss you...

reborn

I stared the shadow of death in the eyes

as he lurked over your shoulder

I know this is inevitable

i'm feeling sick, and getting older

I didn't tell you what i saw 

or how it made me feel

because its hard to tell these days

what's a dream and what is real

I know your heart is heavy

weighed down by your world

I miss the way you made me feel

and the way you said ooooh girrrl

we are free

you and me

to explore the world alone

there are places i wanted you to see

people I thought you should meet

but those dreams have been repressed

 one by one they came

and one by one they left 

Your back is breaking

my insides, shaking

I've been here before

you baby blanket covers my naked body

I lay motionless on the floor

still breathing

thoughts racing

eyes crying

I wanted to give you more