This is beautiful

Birdie, please.

I told him I've lost hope in myself

and that my dreams were all in vain

life is a cycle

which has brought me here today

"did you get your wings clipped, birdie?"

he asked me through a text

it feels as though thats the case

I'm afraid of what comes next

every morning when I wake up in my bed

with a longing for something more

i know its all inside of me

I've just got to open that door

I fear whats on the other side

failure, disappointment, or truth

so the door remains closed

I figure, what's the use?

my worn out wings 

need a rest from my last flight

noone clipped them but myself

I don't want to fly for a little while

my last fall has put me in poor health

afraid ill never fly again

even when my wings grow back

where a rainbow used to paint my sky

now all i see is black

what's a birdie without its wings

muffled is the song she sings

hold tight little birdie

I see you soaring high

a pattern never lies

and a spirit never dies

build strength in the stillness

while you're waiting for growth

leave your doubts and limitations

behind you in a cloud of smoke

sing yourself to sleep

when theres noone else around

you've gone as low as you can go this time

please,pick yourself up off the ground

You'll fly even higher, once you've gathered enough strength.
Be patient, but persistent. 

Thank you Ert, for inspiration and kind words. It means more than I can say...

<3

heal and ascend

Oh the irony: "Leave your doubts and limitations" My own words, made to stand out to me... I didn't make those words bigger or space them out like that on purpose. I clicked post and it came up like that in the preview. It's funny how you really do get the signs your looking for if you are just AWARE.




So today, I will leave my doubts and limitations in a cloud of smoke.
see what happens...

both a beginning and an end

Two nights ago i was in a deep meditation 

a vacation from reality

in a state of vibrational movement and clarity

I had the ambient new age station on pandora playing in the background

to cover the sound of my roomates video game where all I hear is gunshots, chaos, and curse words.

Peace, at last.

Probably one of the deepest meditations I've experience thus far…

Conscious of my breath, disconnected from my body

I was shaken by what happened next

I guess it would be called an "audio trailer"

it was for the movie battle LA

It spoke to me...

Here I am, in a state where not even my own thoughts exist

and this ad came on so abnormally loud saying something along the lines of

"69 years ago in los angeles 948204982 people died …" bla bla bla. people screaming, the sound of chaos and pain and the disturbing sound of gunshots I was trying to drown out by beautiful music in the first place. 

Call me crazy, I don't really care anymore. Because I feel that I'm so sensitive to all forms of energy that I have the right to and should start writing down my experiences. If it helps someone or awakens them, Great. But I am doing this for myself. 

Who the fuck decided it would be a good idea to put such a disturbing ad for that movie on the ambient new age station? It's very hard for me to convey my opinions and feelings on this because I run the risk of sounding "crazy" but I'm trying my hardest…

at the very end of the advertisement, which lasted only like 15 seconds it said something along the lines of "take this as a sign, and tell all of your friends."

The peace inside of me was punctured and anxiety, fear, and confusion begun to flow through me. 

I just went to the same station to see if they always play the same advertisement, and they don't. So I guess the ads are just randomly played and I was meant to experience that one at that moment. I'll never forget the feeling. My peace was so much disturbed by something I believe is due. Affirmation set in.

When I tried to go back into my conscious state and calm myself my thoughts wouldn't stop racing. When I closed my eyes and focused on my breath all I could think of was a doomsday type of scenario. I think something bad is going to happen. More so along the lines of natural disasters like earthquakes, tsunamis, who knows…. It's scary to think about. Traffic here is bad enough and I know it would be nearly impossible to evacuate the city. The word chaos keeps coming to mind.

Being so sensitive to energy around me I would often give in to the chaos and BECOME the chaos. But I'm learning that acceptance and consciousness fill the dark spot where chaos lurks within. 

Even before I moved to California I had dreams about specific places here. I know I'm meant to be here for a reason. Obviously, everything happens for a reason. 

I've had dreams of what felt like the end of times, there was so much darkness and everyone was  frantic, but I was always accepting,very sad but accepting. 

Because this life is all we've got. I do believe in some form of afterlife but what saddens me the most is that I wont remember THIS LIFE. Because I really do love this life so much and I have such an attachment to my body, my bedroom, my friends, and my world.

I used to get so angry when people would tell me to breathe, but now I get it…

I'm thankful, and hopeful.

Off to Yoga<3

Peace be with you, whoever you are.

"If I ever leave this world alive"

I've been listening to this song a lot the past week or so. Flogging molly is my dads favorite band. I love you Dad, and I miss you...

reborn

I stared the shadow of death in the eyes

as he lurked over your shoulder

I know this is inevitable

i'm feeling sick, and getting older

I didn't tell you what i saw 

or how it made me feel

because its hard to tell these days

what's a dream and what is real

I know your heart is heavy

weighed down by your world

I miss the way you made me feel

and the way you said ooooh girrrl

we are free

you and me

to explore the world alone

there are places i wanted you to see

people I thought you should meet

but those dreams have been repressed

 one by one they came

and one by one they left 

Your back is breaking

my insides, shaking

I've been here before

you baby blanket covers my naked body

I lay motionless on the floor

still breathing

thoughts racing

eyes crying

I wanted to give you more

candlelight at midnight.

board the ship that's going nowhere

If You stop You'll end up somewhere.

This morning started out like most of my mornings do. With a bong hit and music to set my mood for the day. It's a good way to start the day.

Last night I reconnected with a good friend who I haven't spoke to or seen for quite some time... We went bowling in Koreatown with a  sweet couple he knows from work. Pretty much exactly one year ago Kyle and I took a road trip up to Vacaville California, to visit some other friends and while we were there we went bowling. We both hadn't been bowling since. I'm a pretty terrible bowler. High score of the night, 66! Everyone is on their own journey and sometimes paths cross and other times they veer far away. Go with the flow and don't resist the change. As long as you always keep an open heart and mind and you'll get exactly what you need. 

I won't stop loving with all of my heart.

Unconditionally.

Emotionally.

Completely.

About a year ago I visited an old friend from high school. I asked him "what's life to you?" His reply "work, make money, and die." 

All I have to say is FUCK THAT! 

There is so much more. 

But if you look at it, that's how a lot of people live.

Petrified of the world, never leaving what they know is safe for fear of the unknown.

I want to know the unknown.

Sight,smell,touch,hear,taste

....

There's more.

Burps in shirts

Sitting in my room which wreaks of spray paint and herb and listening to Ben Harper, She's only happy in the sun.


I love how music has the ability to pull you into or out of any state of mind. I'd like to be opened up to some new music, I'm always searching.


Today was a good day, one of peace, reconnecting, and a small burst of creativity.


I did yoga for the first time this month. How did I forget how good it makes me feel? Nothing like a yoga high... My goal is to dedicate time 3 days out of the week to my yoga practice, because it's important and it does more then give me sexy buns!


This just came to mind...

Whiskey and coke on ice,  rainbow, steamboat, river, and canal.

Sometimes we make mistakes

I hope you still come around

Heart Hole.

"The mind is a string, all tangled up. DROP... the string is pulled tight and knots untie revealing everything in it's entirety. Exposing to you deep things that were pushed in so deep before. But now, it's all orderly and in its rawest form. Can you handle what is real? Everything is real, nothing is real."
-LSD

Amongst the chaos, I continue to seek stillness.




Peace and Love

in the end, follow your bliss.

 I want to live high, and see the world.

 Following my heart

Sharing the beauty.

Words are not my forte, but in the stillness they will come to me. 

a bong, a dream, a journey.

 cheers to life,

 breathe deep.

                                        It's not just a dream, it's more than that. but you ARE the dreamer.

                                                                                          When will you wake up?

Opening up...

8:35 a.m.

My alarm clock woke me up about 3 minutes ago. The first thought that came into my mind was about the guy with fuck you tatted on his head… His name was "fuck you Frank" at least that's what he told Jessica and I. He said all of his friends call him that because he is constantly saying "FUCK YOUUUUUU" Any ways, before we went to the psychic I had decided to completely open myself up to the universe. We ordered our coffee and walked into the dining area. Everybody looked tired and miserable… "tough crowd" Were the only words that came to mind.Which i believe, broke the tension in the room. We had a good laugh. So, I had opened myself up to the energies around me. Down next to us sat a man named Edgar… He had a Strawberry milkshake. We  small talked a bit, mostly about my bad day and break up as Jess was up getting her own coffee. He gave me and jess the first sips of his milkshake, how sweet? He was a very familiar soul to me… I felt like we had met before. When I told him I felt like I had known him he said "That's because I'm the man of your dreams…" well, well… Haven't heard THAT one before!

Back to Fuck you Frank… we were leaving and I waved goodbye to them from the window… But he was drunk, and i was open… so he pushed open the door thinking we wanted to come back inside. We went in and stood at their table talking. He was with a girl with a beautiful smile. They offered us some vodka, they were chugging vodka and Blue gatorade at Mcdonalds. The thought of Vodka makes my stomach turn and jess isn't much of a drinker either, so we kindly declined their offer. Back to my point I have been trying to get at since I woke up and felt the urge to write the thought, ohh FOCUS. 

We were anxious to cross the street to see the psychic. Psychic? the guy said… "I'll do a reading for you, i'm psychic" HAHAHA Alright, So he took my hand which was stained with mascara from crying all day, and started "reading" He told me I was gonna die, which i know is inevitable. after that he looked at my ring and said be happy, tomorrow, there will be sun… That's the first thing I thought of when I came out of my sleep this morning. Him holding my hand in his hand, two complete strangers. Everything changes when you're open. He didn't say fuck you to us once, but his spirit did wake me up this morning and the message it carries is hey, lifes not so bad. things shouldn't be so heavy. I'm thankful for the way I feel at the present moment and I can almost taste the sunshine. As crazy as that may sound...

Franks outward appearance would be considered to some scary and battered and heavy but his soul, oh so light. I'm glad I opened myself up and I feel lucky to experience human connection on a deeper level. 

Yesterday, Jesse told me what I didn't want to hear. The Power is all inside of YOU. It's hard when you realize you've got to make a change. But it's Inevitable. Just like death... 

If anyone sees Frank tell him that I said Thanks for opening up and bringing light into my day. You are a beautiful soul and like me, i believe you feel trapped inside of your past and trapped inside of your own body. I know lately I've been feeling trapped inside of my own body and I don't belong. When you showed me the tattoo on your head I honestly saw you in me and i in you. I appreciate your lightheartedness because it awoke me with beautiful thoughts. 

This is an example of getting what you need from the Universe, God, Buddha without even really asking for it. 

I didn't wake up today feeling gutwrenched and lovesick but I feel ambitious and I feel growth of my mind, heart, and soul. 

Listening to: Dog days are over by Florence and the machine.

The drums in this song heal my spirit.

"Leave all your love and your longing behind, you can't carry it with you if you want to survive"

THE DOG DAYS ARE OVER.